Human beings are wired to be in relationship. Connection is fundamental to our wellbeing, and people who are in positive relationships are healthier mentally and physically. According to the Harvard Study of Adult Development<\/a>, \u201cClose relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives,\u201d and the University of Utah<\/a>, \u201cLoving relationships make us happy, but they also keep us healthy. From improving our immune system and blood pressure to helping us heal quicker and enjoy life longer; a happy relationship is life\u2019s greatest medicine.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n Technology has drastically changed our lives, for better and worse. It has had a profound effect on relationships, particularly on dating. Google says that around 40% of American couples now first meet online; 20% of those in current committed relationships met online; and in 2015, 7% of marriages were between couples that met on a dating website. My recently married daughter and her husband are included in this group, so I have seen that dating apps can lead to finding a good partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Twenty years ago, or even less, most couples met through friends, family, at work, or in college. Sometimes couples would meet each other at a bar, or a party. It wasn\u2019t easy, but it was expected that you had to put yourself out there, and ask someone out, or exchange phone numbers face to face. Now, what I hear from my young, single clients, in their 20\u2019s and 30\u2019s, is that they would never consider entering a prospective relationship directly, in person. I hear: \u201cNo one would approach a stranger to chat, it would be uncomfortable and weird, even creepy.\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In the current world of the #metoo movement, it\u2019s unfortunate that we haven\u2019t figured out how to respectfully ask someone out, but I understand why people are nervous about it. No one wants to be considered creepy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s possible, as explained in How Tinder Changed Dating for a Generation (2018)<\/a>, that dating apps have erected walls between the search for potential partners and the normal routines of work and community. But it\u2019s also possible that dating apps thrive in this particular moment in history because <\/em>people have stopped looking for potential partners while they go about their work and community routines.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you are single and dating, many clients say, you must use a dating app. Plus, it\u2019s easier to go back home, sit on the couch and swipe, than to go to a bar and look for someone to go out with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I believe the dating app behavior mirrors how our relationship culture has evolved. With the emphasis on digital communication, we insulate our vulnerability. The remote quality of the communication makes it easier to be rude, uncaring and hurtful. \u201cGhosting\u201d (when you just stop responding) is the norm with dating apps. Ghosting is when you\u2019ve just decided you don\u2019t want to communicate or see the person anymore, and you stop responding or block the person from communicating with you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Actually seeing someone in-person has been replaced by swiping on the app, or text messaging. It has become very easy to hide behind the technology and just opt out of even slightly difficult conversations. When a person has no connection with you, and they are not part of your social network, they have no accountability. Who is going to call out bad behavior?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Some apps, like Bumble, are trying to address the ghosting problem, by prompting people to respond, even with canned suggestions of how to end an online \u201cdate\u201d, but it\u2019s easy to see how this will feel insulting to the recipient.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The problem is that difficult conversations start to feel almost impossible. With the protection of technology, you don\u2019t have to explain your feelings to anyone or acknowledge your part in the breakup. Meeting people who have been the recipient of these behaviors, I see how confusing and discouraging it can be to have no idea why someone just blocked you. And, people admit that they don\u2019t want to know why.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Honest communication has become a frightening experience to avoid if possible. The worry is that people don\u2019t use the very tools that create a good relationship in the first place. We all need to practice navigating emotionally charged conversations. We need to learn how to speak directly, clearly, and thoughtfully to communicate our needs, desires, and expectations. I encourage my young dating clients to do this, regardless of how long or in what context they\u2019ve met their date.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Depending on one\u2019s personality, a ghosted person either decides that there was something wrong with their online date (blame), or something wrong with them as the recipient (shame). Without much experience in couple relationships, people can see things in very black and white terms. As Jenna Birch said in Navigating the Love Gap<\/a>, \u201cThe short-lived relationship cycle is so oft-repeated that I cannot believe how many people in the dating pool have struggled with this. After multiple disappointments, anxiety starts to set in around the two- or three-month mark in every budding relationship. Are all those positive vibes going to turn on a dime?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The pool of endless dating possibilities can make it too easy to just replenish your dating pool. There\u2019s Tinder, Bumble, Coffee meets Bagel, Hinge, The League, OK Cupid, Match, eHarmony, JDate, and more. So many choices can make us endlessly question our choice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Many times, people don\u2019t want to break it off completely. They want to keep you around on their terms, without a commitment or any specific obligations. And, many people are just looking for a partner for the night, so people looking for serious relationships and a real connection are often bitterly disappointed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n On the other hand, dating apps are a huge convenience in our over-scheduled lives. Apps expand the dating pool well beyond our typical social groups, allowing us to match with people we otherwise wouldn\u2019t meet. Conversely, it might allow you to narrow your field to people with similar interests.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I asked some savvy users for their best advice in using dating apps, and this is what they said:<\/p>\n\n\n\n One wise user said, \u201cI liked that I ended up getting to know people from so many parts of the country and world, and who worked in so many different industries, that I would\u2019ve never gotten to know otherwise. And going in with the expectation that it probably wouldn\u2019t be the right person for me, made it less disappointing when it didn\u2019t work out.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n Look at it as a tool to meet people. Focus on the bigger picture. It\u2019s a numbers game, and it\u2019s rare that people are really into each other. If it doesn\u2019t work out, move on, and eventually, you will find someone who clicks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was encouraged to hear one of my \u201cexperts\u201d say, \u201cI think you can still meet people the old-fashioned way too \u2014 e.g. going out\/sports leagues\/dinner parties\/pottery classes\/etc, so I\u2019ve found it helpful to do that in addition to app dating. I think you can find the right partner through either path! Once it clicks, it doesn\u2019t really matter how you found them!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Human beings are wired to be in relationship. Connection is fundamental to our wellbeing, and people who are in positive relationships are healthier mentally and physically. According to the Harvard Study of Adult Development, \u201cClose relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives,\u201d and the University of Utah, \u201cLoving relationships make us happy, but they also keep us healthy. From improving our immune system and blood pressure to helping us heal quicker and enjoy life longer; a happy relationship is life\u2019s greatest medicine.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":2806,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[46],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.toryjoseph.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2783"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.toryjoseph.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.toryjoseph.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.toryjoseph.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.toryjoseph.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2783"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.toryjoseph.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2783\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.toryjoseph.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2806"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.toryjoseph.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2783"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.toryjoseph.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2783"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.toryjoseph.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2783"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}How did you two meet?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
The least bad option for finding someone.<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
IRL; ISO, VBD!<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Say what you mean and mean what you say.<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
So many apps, so little choice<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Tips from Users<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
always make sure someone knows where you are, and that you will contact that
person when you get to the location and get home. Share your experience with friends. It makes even the boring or awkward dates
more fun. You will feel less alone when
you know that you\u2019ve had similar experiences.<\/li>
maybe even preferable, to schedule several dates in one week, when you have
more time. This puts less pressure on
each individual date.<\/li>