Parent

My daughter, Alison and her husband, Tom, just had a baby girl. She was born a month premature and is now about 10 weeks old. They live across the country from me and my husband, so I decided that we should relocate for two months to be close to her and her husband to help. Thank goodness that we did! It really takes a village to raise a family, from the very first days. As our daughter so aptly put it, “the best preparation is to learn to embrace the unknown with a spirit of wonder and adventure.” 

“More than any single factor that we can control, connectedness in childhood is the key to a happy adulthood” says Edward Hallowell in “The Childhood Roots to Adult Happiness”.  He cites a comprehensive study in the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, Journal of the American Medical Association, 1997.  This study, on ninety thousand students around the US, demonstrated the importance, above all, of feeling connected.

There are two big problems with punishing children. First, it is a bad model for problem-solving. It does not actually teach a person anything, and most likely instills fear and resentment. The purpose of punishment is to control someone’s behavior. When we use our superior status to control a child, it builds feelings of resentment, anger, and other negative feelings. Which potentially lead to worse problems like lying and revenge. Punishment is discouraging for a child and promotes feelings of worthlessness, failure, and inadequacy.

2020 has been a challenging year for all of us, but I have particular sympathy for teens and their parents. I remember very well when my three kids were teenagers, and I can’t imagine having them all in the house with us 24/7 for ten months.  We all thrived due to the physical separation that school, friends, and activities provided.  Since it looks like we have a few more months of isolation to go, here are some suggestions, based on what I’m hearing from families that are managing reasonably well with their teens through the pandemic:

Bob and Lena chat with parenting experts and Imago relationship therapists Caroline Bernhardt-Lanier and Tory Joseph on the challenges parents are facing with their children during the pandemic. This episode is focused on listener questions and the topics include: Sibling fighting, managing kids and parents big emotions, anxiety, talking to kids about the realities of a pandemic, distance learning, and more.

Nearly one in three kids ages 13 to 18 now meet the criteria for an anxiety disorder (2018, NIH).  32% of teens report persistent feelings of sadness or loneliness (2018, CDC). There are many factors that contribute to this escalation.  There is screen addiction and the constant comparison to unrealistically “perfect” lives of peers on social media. There is bullying, school shootings, lack of sleep, the pressure to achieve, the media and political turmoil.

There is a disturbing surge in hate-laced bullying among students of all ages, as reported by Katherine Stewart in “The Nation”.  Particularly toward Muslim students, immigrants, and children of color, girls, and Jews.  According to the Southern Poverty Law Center, more than half of teachers surveyed reported an increase in uncivil political discourse.  The damage to our culture of civility will take time to repair.

Recent teen suicides in my hometown are bringing fear, shock, and sadness to the community. These tragedies now have parents and teachers looking for ways to talk to their kids about it, and at the same time, fears that they are helpless to prevent a crisis. It’s true that suicides have increased by 28% from 2000 to 2015. Suicide rates have always been, and remain highest among men. But, the most shocking increase is among girls ages 10 to 14.