Parent

Social media has become an integral part of everyday life for most teenagers, with 95% of 13–17-year-olds using one or more social media platforms for an average of 9 hours a day. Is that too much? Many experts, parents and even teens themselves, think so. For most, it feels like a necessary tool for communication, self-expression, and connection with others. The internet seems to have taken over all our lives. That is why parents should be mindful and intentional about their own habits and use of smart phones and other devices.

As a couples therapist specializing in parenting issues, I often see parents who disagree about how to raise their children. The most common of these disagreements revolve around how to discipline their children. Arguments about how to discipline kids can be about whether it's too much or too little discipline. Sometimes, one of the parents may feel their child is taking advantage of them, while the other parent thinks that more discipline will only create unnecessary conflict. Sadly, each parent can begin to feel they are undermining one another.

This was me. Middle school and early high school stand out in my mind as one of the most difficult times in my life. I had no idea what a challenging time it was for my parents as well! I have been curious as an adult, about what was going on in my brain that made me a different person for those four years of my life.  Fortunately, now we know that brain development and re-wiring, particularly in the pre-frontal cortex, goes through a turbulent growth spurt that coincides with the onset of adolescence.

My daughter, Alison and her husband, Tom, just had a baby girl. She was born a month premature and is now about 10 weeks old. They live across the country from me and my husband, so I decided that we should relocate for two months to be close to her and her husband to help. Thank goodness that we did! It really takes a village to raise a family, from the very first days. As our daughter so aptly put it, “the best preparation is to learn to embrace the unknown with a spirit of wonder and adventure.” 

“More than any single factor that we can control, connectedness in childhood is the key to a happy adulthood” says Edward Hallowell in “The Childhood Roots to Adult Happiness”.  He cites a comprehensive study in the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, Journal of the American Medical Association, 1997.  This study, on ninety thousand students around the US, demonstrated the importance, above all, of feeling connected.

There are two big problems with punishing children. First, it is a bad model for problem-solving. It does not actually teach a person anything, and most likely instills fear and resentment. The purpose of punishment is to control someone’s behavior. When we use our superior status to control a child, it builds feelings of resentment, anger, and other negative feelings. Which potentially lead to worse problems like lying and revenge. Punishment is discouraging for a child and promotes feelings of worthlessness, failure, and inadequacy.

2020 has been a challenging year for all of us, but I have particular sympathy for teens and their parents. I remember very well when my three kids were teenagers, and I can’t imagine having them all in the house with us 24/7 for ten months.  We all thrived due to the physical separation that school, friends, and activities provided.  Since it looks like we have a few more months of isolation to go, here are some suggestions, based on what I’m hearing from families that are managing reasonably well with their teens through the pandemic:

Bob and Lena chat with parenting experts and Imago relationship therapists Caroline Bernhardt-Lanier and Tory Joseph on the challenges parents are facing with their children during the pandemic. This episode is focused on listener questions and the topics include: Sibling fighting, managing kids and parents big emotions, anxiety, talking to kids about the realities of a pandemic, distance learning, and more.

Nearly one in three kids ages 13 to 18 now meet the criteria for an anxiety disorder (2018, NIH).  32% of teens report persistent feelings of sadness or loneliness (2018, CDC). There are many factors that contribute to this escalation.  There is screen addiction and the constant comparison to unrealistically “perfect” lives of peers on social media. There is bullying, school shootings, lack of sleep, the pressure to achieve, the media and political turmoil.

There is a disturbing surge in hate-laced bullying among students of all ages, as reported by Katherine Stewart in “The Nation”.  Particularly toward Muslim students, immigrants, and children of color, girls, and Jews.  According to the Southern Poverty Law Center, more than half of teachers surveyed reported an increase in uncivil political discourse.  The damage to our culture of civility will take time to repair.