Couples

The beginning of the New Year is a good time to think about goals for the year ahead. We can set goals anytime, but these built-in dates on our calendar are helpful. Just as Thanksgiving is a
time to focus on gratitude, New Year is a good time to focus on changes we want to make in
our lives. The New Year provides an opportunity to clean the slate of past failings and look at life as a new
opportunity, no matter your age, or your experience. It’s a time to focus on the positive and
commit to specific actions, try to visualize your “best-self.” Think of a time when you’ve pulled
 through a difficult situation.

In a session I had recently with a couple, a husband told his wife that he wants to help her find peace when she is “off the rails.” He does this by problem-solving and suggesting different ways of looking at the situation. They both agreed that this almost never works, but only escalates her anger and frustration. I asked him how he would feel if it did work? He replied that he would feel calm, successful, and at peace. Upon saying this, he realized that he was behaving this way to make himself feel better, not her. He hadn’t explored with her what would truly help her to feel better.

Boundaries are the root of self-care and are necessary for creating a healthy life. They are limits we create for ourselves to have the life we want and deserve as unique human beings.  They are not the rules and limits that we have internalized from our childhood or by comparison with others.  It’s a tricky thing to learn to know the difference because we are a product of our upbringing and messages from society, social media, and other influential figures in our lives.

Albert Einstein said: “In the midst of every crisis, lies great opportunity.”  If handled well, a crisis can shake up the status quo, so that new resources and new ways of being emerge.  We see clearly how this is true in business. The pandemic crisis caused the suffering of some businesses, like brick-and-mortar retail, health clubs, convention hotels, and cruise ships. At the same time, it brought about the rise of other businesses: bicycle manufacturers, building and design companies, and everything online and delivery-related.

We are in the worst time of this pandemic, and the holidays are upon us.  It may be a tough time for some of us to feel grateful, and it can also be a time when we find gratitude for things we may have taken for granted before. In the Greater Good Magazine, Psychologist Nathan Greene talks about how gratitude can be complicated during times of struggle. “Gratitude can come from the experience of not having, too, in reflecting on what we did have in the past and what we hope to have in the future.”

Human beings are wired to be in relationship. Connection is fundamental to our wellbeing, and people who are in positive relationships are healthier mentally and physically. According to the Harvard Study of Adult Development, “Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives,” and the University of Utah, “Loving relationships make us happy, but they also keep us healthy. From improving our immune system and blood pressure to helping us heal quicker and enjoy life longer; a happy relationship is life’s greatest medicine.”

An active sex life is the accepted norm for American singles. Media is sexually explicit, sexting is common, and our culture is more tolerant of sex in a wide range of permutations. Yet, Americans are having less sex with each other than they were 10 years ago.  There has also been a decline in sex and relationships among young people, and those who marry are marrying later.  About 60 percent of adults under age 35 now live without a spouse or partner.

Why are some couples so quick to respond to their partner with anger or defensiveness?  How can we break the cycle of extreme arousal, pain and more wounding that some couples experience with nearly every interaction? “We can’t stop fighting,” I hear.  “Everything turns into a major blow-up!”. According to Emotion-Focused Therapy’s theory, high reactivity comes from avoiding pain.

You may be familiar with the healing properties of practicing mindfulness. Thirty years of research has shown that it increases our ability to relax, reduces pain, increases energy, improves self-esteem and helps us cope more effectively with stress. But how often do we practice mindfulness in our relationships? Mindfulness is giving full attention to the present moment, non-judgmentally. Imagine if you could be non-judgmental when hearing another person’s opinion, or concern, even if it feels like criticism or anger to you.